Answering The Question, and Not Laughing - October 23, 2007

The day can be summed up best by a quote from my Civil Procedure Professor.

"I'm laughing and you are laughing, but you are the one who has to answer the question."

The day was not good in the least. It was a Tuesday, for crying out loud. Tuesdays are not supposed to be rough. Bad days are earmarked for Mondays, Wednesdays, exam days, and those days following sleepless nights. As a result of this bad day, tomorrow will likely be worse than slated.

The day was not necessarily bad as a result of classes alone, or even because of a single incident, but is, perhaps, the result of the mixing of many stressful, burdensome and busy ingredients. I had the equivalent of a mid-life crisis-turn nervous breakdown with a hint of anxiety attack.

I am the product of over-achievement. Usually, this would be a fine trait. However, I am not used to having to work hard for what I accomplish. The truth bears its white-head and bursts when the time comes to apply yourself. If you have not built the foundation for a solid work ethic, you have to begin at the bottom. Twenty-three years of natural success has turned into the quintessential blessing. However this blessing was a disguise for flaw, and the flaw is catching up to me.

My normally happy self was anything but jovial today. I am known by my friends as the one who can make anybody laugh, making me a valuable resource to the group (I like to believe). Making other people happy has kept me happy.

But, something happened yesterday - the iron beam that broke the rhinoceros' back. I have no idea what it was. I do have some ideas.

Legal writing constantly burdens my brain with an overabundance of work. Civil procedure grades were due today. Then the grades were postponed. We fell victims to a sneak-attack when emails from the Law School registrar were received with our grades. I did very well, though not as well as I had hoped - the downfall of the overachiever.

No matter how I do, I know I will be successful in life. I know very little, but I do know that much. I also know that I have always been harder on myself than my parents ever were or could be. Heck, even they understood this oddity - they gave up trying to sway my opinion or convince me of that which I do not believe a long time ago (though my father often gets much joy out of seeing how upset and impassioned he can make me on a political issue). I have not been too happy about their apathy in my decisions, though I understand that it is futile a great majority of the time. I often, with a straight face, sought to convince my mother of my wish to drop out of the top university I was attending to seek an education at clown school. These statements were always met with the same statement: "I know you will do what is right for you." Be it the Jewish guilt my mother employs or simple apathy, they stopped trying because I try hard to achieve.

However, trying hard to achieve does not mean I work hard when I do the achieving. And, as I say, this was not good. I am now paying the price, and I am working myself into a frenzy. The mixture of a new geographic area, new social settings, a new climate, being in professional school with a harsh grading curve, a packed academic schedule and the distance from my family is boiling near the edge of the pot. Hopefully I can contain the mixture, not losing it to evaporation or the sizzling stove (read: law school).

I did, however, enjoy a great success. My civil procedure professor refused to release any statistics of the midterm grading (mean, median, mode and any grade distribution). Upon receiving my grade, it really did not have much meaning. I did not know whether to trudge on in my unhappiness or be happy in comparison. I needed more information, so I decided to construct an email, as is posted below with a response (names and identifying information redacted).

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Subject: Not about my grade.
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From: H
To: Professor
Date: Tue, Oct 23, 2007 at 5:40 PM

Professor,

To clear the air, I am not writing this email to argue or question my grade. I want to relay another sentiment to you.

I understand that you do not believe that dispersing a grade distribution would help my peers (and myself) in any way, but my grade means very little to me unless I know how I did in comparison to my classmates. I could have received a 24.5, and if everybody else in the class received a 25, I would know that I need to work harder. Now, I recognize that everybody was graded on the same scale, and that the exam was not curved, but I have no way of measuring my success unless I know how this success would translate were it the final examination. I do not know whether to change my study habits because I did poorly in comparison to those around me, or if I should utilize those same habits on the final. I want to get the highest grade in the class, and I know every other student shares the same sentiment. We are all aiming to be at the top, but we have no clue where the summit of the mountain lies, nor do we know where on the mountain we currently stand. To scale the mountain, I need a map.

I do not envy professors and the entire grading process. So, thank you for everything thus far.

Just a respectful thought.

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From: Professor
To: H>
Date: Tue, Oct 23, 2007 at 5:46 PM

"H", You make an excellent argument and have convinced me to change my
mind. The Registrar calculated the average grade for the class, and it
is #. I will post that info ... so that everybody will know.

Thanx for pursuing the point in such an effective and appropriate way.

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Yes, the professor used the shorthand "thanx".

Anyhow, I attempt to do work amid this harsh day. At least I yielded one victory today.

The professor is still laughing.