Why I am Here - September 21, 2007

The following was in a prayer book at services I attended:

Whom can I accuse, of whom revenge demand,
When I have borne deep suffering at my own hand?

Other hearts have held hatred for me,
But my own heart hates me more than anyone knows.

My body bears the wounds of relentless foes,
But none can match my self-inflicted wounds.

I have been seduced for my destruction
But none have lured me than my own eyes.

I have been burned by countless fires,
But none compare to the heat of my desires.

In traps I've been ensnared by old and young,
But none have trapped me better than my own tongue.

Bandits have pursued me, fast and fleet,
But none pursue me faster than my own feet.

Pain overwhelms me, but no pain more than my rebellion.
Anguish increases, but never faster than transgression.

Whom can I blame, how can I function,
When I am the source of my own destruction?

-----

There was another line in the passage, but, being a prudent editor, I cut it out because I believe it takes a little away from the point of the statements.

As we read responsively with the leader, this passage really hit home. I spent the next half-hour likening the reasoning and inferences the writings make to my own life. There was something to be learned, and,because Fridays yield days of boredom, I readily accepted the challenge of applying it to the most important event in my life currently: law school.

The question is: What is the underlying reason for my attending law school, and why do I wish to enter the field of law I have chosen?

I know that some of the events in my life have been overly traumatic and psychologically damaging. The inability to say and do certain things (like express my love for those close to me, except on a rare basis) is traceable to a specific date or time. Other seemingly unjustified idiosyncrasies and actions I have taken are without explanation. I am relatively damaged goods, though I believe just about everybody is. So, we go back to the original question: Why law school and the field of law?

I think that some of the twists and turns in my life I have been wholly responsible for - all transgressions and damaging actions are included. As a result, I believe it possible that my atonement for these dealings and experiences can somehow be fulfilling to my subconscious. Maybe I just see dollar signs. But, either way, making a difference and being a "good" person is what matters to me. Well, those things and success. Mainly success, but that is probably attributed to the aforementioned psychological damage. If you are lost, what I mean is that perhaps I wish to practice law in an effort to fix the problems I have.

Regardless, there must be a reason for my self-sacrifice to attend law school, beyond my passion for a good argument. Who really knows.

As they say: Gam Zu L'Tova (This Too is For the Good).

And, I regret nothing.

-----

"I took the [road] less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

- R.F.