The Dark Side - September 20, 2007

Dear Reader: This never happens. I would not normally broadcast these types of dealings, but I want to maintain the journal-type quality of my actual, unabridged experiences. So, I must divulge the darker side. Please forgive.

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Few things can drive a person to drink:
- Siblings
- Parents
- A dog who experiences excited urination (every time I come home)
- Dumb people
- Republicans
- Horrible Drivers
- Law School

Yes, those studying law often resort to the same item that comforted our souls and nourished our bodies when we were born: the bottle. When we were young, that which was inside provided a more healthy result that did not upset our livers. The older version of the substance did not paint a picture that parents would be proud of.

This was my night:
10:00PM - Call my mother before the fun begins to make sure I am set for the night.
10:05PM - My roommates birthday celebration begins.
10:06PM - I am already three deep.
10:07PM - Plus one.
10:30PM - Neighbors insist that we vacate the pre-party premises .
10:34PM - Taxi arrives.
10:45PM - We arrive at the bar.
10:50PM - 1:00AM - This time period is a blur. I do know the following: I had another three shots of something (see drink count at the end).
1:30AM - My head begins to become too heavy to hold up and my liver begins labor negotiations.
1:45AM - Liver is not satisfied with the proposed agreement. Liver goes on strike, stomach joins out of solidarity.
1:53AM - I should have taken more seriously the negotiations. Head somehow manages to add enough weight to make it too hard to hold up. I rest my head on the table and begin soft moans. I want the strike to end.
2:00AM - We leave the bar for home.

Now, the last thing I remember is walking through my front door. The very next conscious memory is waking from the floor of my bathroom at 5:00AM whereupon I consider placing myself back into the fetal position in which I awoke because my bathmat is very much soft and plushy. I decided to make an adult decision: I brushed my teeth and moved myself the 10 feet to my bed. The wake-up a little more than two hours later was not great, but I have been graced by the powers that be with the abilities of a superhero: no hangover. Ever. That is luck. A friend in the crew told me that if they had the superpower, they would be an alcoholic. Lucky for me, I dislike alcohol on the whole.

Drink Count:
Vodka / SoCo Shots: 9
Jello Shots: 3
Jaegerbombs: 3
Vodka-Cranberry Mix: 1

What a celebration indeed.

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Prior to my shenanigans, I had an action packed day in criminal law and civil procedure. Criminal law was just as rough as it has been during the past weeks. Nobody is ever correct, but there are bright spots. Unlike other professors, this particular professor refuses to answer personal queries from students, demanding that they see her after class or during office hours. Praise this professor for not making the class worse by forcing me listen to the overtly idiotic questions from my "peers" (these are the same ones who make me want to drink).

I love my civil procedure professor, though he has to deal with me in a catatonic post-lunch-type state. After experiencing criminal law, I am completely drained and just wish to study the back of my eyelids. I wish the order of classes were switched. Life would be much more enjoyable.

After classes, I walked across campus in an effort to become devoid of self-worth to profit from networking with old rich donors to the school. The university has an association for persons who leave money to the campus in their estate planning. Basically, these are the people the school is hoping will die in a reasonable amount of time. But for me, this is quite the perfect equation. Special donor association = money; money = success in a given field; and, as you may have guessed, I will sell my soul for the right connections. Having been invited because I was awarded both a scholarship and a fellowship, I wanted the quest to turn out profitable. I wasted no time introducing myself and swooning women and talking-up men four times my age. I walked away with three business cards and some great stories. Success was mine.

It was a great day.

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Civil procedure lecture interaction of the day:
Professor: She [a female student] is correct.
Professor: [To a male student] What do you care about?
Student: Her assets.
Professor: Why do you care about her assets?
Students: Because they are important...